I’m going to be your nicest buddy right now. What I’m going to do for you should cause you to send me whatever amount of money you consider an evening of your life worth.
You should curtsy to me, kiss my ring and give me the center of every cinnamon roll you ever eat from now on. You should name your next child after me, no, you should rename your current child after me.
My advice is going to be like getting Hillary prosecuted or elected depending on your political madness.
What I’m about to share with you is so important to know it’s worth going without sex for a month or as joyful as finally having it.
Trust me this is such valuable information you’d choose to get a Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tattoo above your butt crack, visible enough to create shock or awe.
Please, stop pooping, pay attention and read this carefully….don’t watch this movie. Ever.
In fact, go to your kid’s room, grab the Lego box go out to a hard floor and pour them on it. Take off your shoes, turn on a song you loathe and dance until you bleed. You need that kind of memory to prevent you from ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever giving up and hour and a half of your most precious life to this terrible movie.
Oh by the beard of Zeus heed my Apocalyptic word and banish the thought from ever coming into your brain meat. I don’t care if you’ve watched every movie available on Netflix…don’t do it. I’m talking like don’t look into the Ark of Indiana Jones level of don’t. Seriously…